The Economy Is So Bad...

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Some Outtakes From Reviews Posted by Zagat Users.

What they lack in quality, they make up for with butter.

The waiters are trained to bang into you.

Proof that there’s no shortage of people who want to eat bad food in historic buildings.

I’d love to go back – if you were paying.

I liked the concept until I ate here.

I actually pulled out my cell phone and called to ask them to please bring us water.

Our wine was a year older when it finally arrived at the table.

I was told by the waiter that I have the wrong palate.

Like eating in an NYC subway station, only nicer.

Besides the cockroach crawling up the wall, it was ok.

Service exists in two modes: know it all and not at all.

Dishwashing utensil in my gumbo tainted the meal.

The service is like a bad high school play: warm, well-meaning and completely inept.

I don’t tip if I get groped.

I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved –it was my waitress.

I’m pretty sure I ate cow’s udders and liked them.

The special occasion place for people with bad taste.

Quail With Figs had exactly one fig. When asked for more, the waiter replied,”There’s one fig per customer!"

The maitre d’ made us wait to be seated, apparently for no other reason than because he could.

I would rather eat sushi from a vending machine.

Great food amid a sea of shorts and black socks.

Even their ‘regulars’ have stopped going there.

Foie gras does not need to be put into a mascarpone cookie.

The waiter took my order, went outside to smoke and then waved through the window.

Could someone do something about the uniforms? 1982 just called and it wants its suspenders back.

We could have lived without knowing that our waiter was ‘Steven from Long Beach.’

If I wanted to be treated with distaste, I would just stay home.

They make you walk around with a horse stick and blow a whistle.

That’ll teach you to tell someone it’s your birthday.

Overpriced and undergood.

The food may be bad, but at least the service is slow.

It seems that the owner, the chef and I have lost interest.

My waiter was so soft-spoken I thought he was a mime.

Breaking bread’ should not mean you have to use the side of the table.

The No. 1 spot in town for crooked pharma reps to stuff fat doctors full of $50 steaks.

Once you drive through ax-murderer country to get here you are pleasantly surprised by all the people and the buzz.

Slow Golfers Ahead

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe...and you're fired"

Random Thoughts

Another email forward; this one's from my sister:


More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is Absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

Some British Racism

- Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your plane!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the bloody dark!" says Murphy.

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Dark in Here

This post is from one of my British buddies.

NB for the Americans: "football" = soccer ball, "boots" = cleats.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy "$750"
Man "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

C+C Music Factory

Unashamedly scraped from: http://www.freewebs.com/jupiter1024/hmm.htm

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries or America's Most Wanted ever get arrested because they
look like the criminal they are playing?

How did singer K-Ci get 2 years probation for indecent exposure and yet Eminem got only one year for assault with a deadly weapon?

Speaking of Eminem, why is it that BET got pissed when he made fun of Michael Jackson, but kept quiet when he talked about gays and women?

Did anyone else feel old upon realizing that kids who like Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles nowadays weren't even born when the shows first came on?

Why do you pay extra to get something put on your sandwich but don't get a discount when something is taken off?

If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

Doesn't mainstream hiphop nowadays sound like one bad 2pac cover album after the other?

When people say "PIN number," do they know they're saying "Personal Identification Number Number?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we thought to put wheels on luggage?

What's the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?

Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?

Why do labels on children’s medacine say not to drive or operate heavy machinery?

Can we all agree that MTV2 should be the main channel and MTV with all its pointless shows, the backup?

If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?

If you had x-ray vision and could see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

Speaking of Superman, why do people in Metropolis get excited if they really thought they saw a bird or plane?

If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?

Why is the name for fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

Who the hell keeps giving basketball players recording deals?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why are Christmas lights packaged with the warning "For indoor or outdoor use only"? Where else would you put them?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

How can bottled water go out of date?

Why does lemon dishsoap contain real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

Why is Goofy sentinent while Pluto isn't? They're both dogs!

Since Bugs Bunny walks around naked, why does he put a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?

If a truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy roadrunner for dinner?

Why are needles for lethal injections sterilized?

If The Flintstones were B.C., how could they have Christmas or Thanksgiving specials?

Why is it good to be Daddy's little girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?

Why do grocery stores have so many checkout line registers but only keep 3 or 4 open?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Isn't the 13th floor still chronologically the 13th even if it's named the 14th?

...And wouldn't naming it the 14th floor just anger the bad luck gods and bring even more unfortunate events?

Are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do drive-thru ATMs have braille code on them?

Wouldn't you love to see me on The Real World?