Dark in Here

This post is from one of my British buddies.

NB for the Americans: "football" = soccer ball, "boots" = cleats.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy "$750"
Man "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

C+C Music Factory

Unashamedly scraped from: http://www.freewebs.com/jupiter1024/hmm.htm

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries or America's Most Wanted ever get arrested because they
look like the criminal they are playing?

How did singer K-Ci get 2 years probation for indecent exposure and yet Eminem got only one year for assault with a deadly weapon?

Speaking of Eminem, why is it that BET got pissed when he made fun of Michael Jackson, but kept quiet when he talked about gays and women?

Did anyone else feel old upon realizing that kids who like Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles nowadays weren't even born when the shows first came on?

Why do you pay extra to get something put on your sandwich but don't get a discount when something is taken off?

If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

Doesn't mainstream hiphop nowadays sound like one bad 2pac cover album after the other?

When people say "PIN number," do they know they're saying "Personal Identification Number Number?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we thought to put wheels on luggage?

What's the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?

Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?

Why do labels on children’s medacine say not to drive or operate heavy machinery?

Can we all agree that MTV2 should be the main channel and MTV with all its pointless shows, the backup?

If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?

If you had x-ray vision and could see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

Speaking of Superman, why do people in Metropolis get excited if they really thought they saw a bird or plane?

If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?

Why is the name for fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

Who the hell keeps giving basketball players recording deals?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why are Christmas lights packaged with the warning "For indoor or outdoor use only"? Where else would you put them?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

How can bottled water go out of date?

Why does lemon dishsoap contain real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

Why is Goofy sentinent while Pluto isn't? They're both dogs!

Since Bugs Bunny walks around naked, why does he put a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?

If a truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy roadrunner for dinner?

Why are needles for lethal injections sterilized?

If The Flintstones were B.C., how could they have Christmas or Thanksgiving specials?

Why is it good to be Daddy's little girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?

Why do grocery stores have so many checkout line registers but only keep 3 or 4 open?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Isn't the 13th floor still chronologically the 13th even if it's named the 14th?

...And wouldn't naming it the 14th floor just anger the bad luck gods and bring even more unfortunate events?

Are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do drive-thru ATMs have braille code on them?

Wouldn't you love to see me on The Real World?

Recent Terrorist Threats - Raised Security Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

Israel is carrying out air strikes on everyone, but that’s business as usual.

And at a local level New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Email Forwards

I have a buddy who's been out of work for quite a while. He's pretty much Mr. Mom at this point. Now that he has my work email address, I get regular email forwards from him - it used to be every once in a while, but we've since moved on to every day. While I must say that he picks clever things to forward, and that I enjoy the break from the workday, I really hope he finds a job soon. Here are two of the most recent - screw it, three:

Things to Ponder

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have Monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all thebad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's theself-help section?' She said if she
told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating anendangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right toremain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow roadsigns?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk to other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

29. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids' ?

30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?


5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting in a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there…

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Liverpool is So Cool

Thx, Christine for sending me this clip:




My next big project: learn to dance like these fockers and teach a bunch of other people how to dance like these fockers and do this somewhere closer to me than Liverpool.

Awesome.

Get the Led Out

Hey Christine! Post those pics. Katie said that everybody on the subway platform was watching us, but I couldn't tell because I wasn't paying attention. Thanks again for coming to the show with us. I had a great time, and you were definitely a big part of that.

More about the show and our adventures later, dear reader, at The Quixotic Jedi.

What Dreams May Come

Have you seen this movie lately? It's been forever for me. Here's a link to a whole bunch of scenes. I'm still looking for the scene where Christy is dead and he's talking to Annie and she can hear him. Remember that one? Where she's doing the ghost writing? That scene's been running through my head for a few days now.